123 Dusty Meadows

A continuation from my last post...

Expendable God

What do you do when you are faced with the reality that the crap you are buying is expensive? Faced with the reality of the cost of which these purchases come to your parents.

If you are me. You try to pay for it.

You work, pull yourself up by your boot straps, stop living off your parents dime. Take some pride in yourself. Be Independent.

There’s a little nobility to it, don’t you think? I can respect that.

“I’ll work for my own crap. I don’t need to waste my parents money anymore. I spent so much money that I’m embarrassed. I Can’t let that happen again. I’ll work hard, day and night so that I won’t be a burden to them. I don’t want them to have to pay for this crap anymore.”

...I think they call that guilt.

When I was faced with the reality of the cost at which my crap has been paid for, the first thought out of my mind was

“I’m embarrassed.”

Then I thought about my father, and how much this must have hurt him

and I was ashamed.

Instead of asking my Father what he wants me to do, I do what feels right. I do what will redeem me in my Father's eyes. I make it right. I work for my stuff.

I work day and night, without rest, because I want to make it up to him. I want to pay him back for all the stuff I’ve bought. But no matter how hard I work, I can’t make enough to even cover the costs of the stuff I’m buying. I get depressed. I realize I haven’t seen my father in months. This is independence.I’m hopeless. Prideless.

I can't pay for this stuff.



...............................

I’m still not finished.